The Things We Come to Fear the Most

Fear. It is something we all live with and often fight on an ongoing basis. It is also a feeling that drives us to do things we otherwise may not do. When we are young, we are afraid of trivial things like monsters, spiders, and the dark. However once we get older, we progressively develop different worries that resonate much deeper. Having a fabulous career and earning enough money to get by, making peace with our self image, and forming meaningful opinions about our spiritual beliefs, political stance, passions, and future plans.

Lately, I’ve learned quite a bit about some of the fears I’ve developed and how they have changed immensely over the span of just a few years. While many women fear being alone more than anything, I no longer fall into that category and haven’t for quite some time now. Ironically, it is quite the opposite actually. I now am faced with the fear of commitment. To me, it is far more terrifying to date someone for even two weeks that I don’t feel instant butterflies and sparks with, than being single for the rest of my twenties. A friend of mine pointed out that I’ve been independent for so long that I’m constantly seeking “something better” in everyone that I date. While in some ways, I feel that this may come off as being selfish, I know that it is spot on. The reason that I seek something “better” isn’t necessarily superficial, though. I have dated A LOT of guys in the last two years. I’ve been exposed to many different personalities, ages, and “types.” I’m at a point where I have a pretty good ability of recognizing someone with potential when I find them. While I do believe that it takes time to build a relationship, I don’t think it should take much time for there to be an attraction. In the dating world, physical attraction is ALWAYS  the first thing that drives two people to speak. If it feels like work from the beginning and you find yourself hanging out with someone to “give them a chance,” it is likely doomed from the start.

After four dates with who I’ll refer to as “Philly (that’s his hometown),” I am feeling less and less compatible with him. While we get along well and our conversation never feels forced, sometimes, there isn’t a reason for why you aren’t feeling it…it just isn’t there. So I have two choices: I continue seeing him casually or I cut it off. He’s a good guy and I don’t want to regret it down the road if I end things now, but I also am scared of wasting time with someone that I am not sure I can see a future with.

As I get older, it is no coincidence that I get more and more picky. Being in a new city where I meet new friends on nearly a daily basis makes the idea that “the one” could be around the corner very real, prolonging my journey without question, pain, or loneliness. Knowing that I can to meet someone new at a party, bar, church, or even while walking down the street is exhilarating and makes settling for anything less than fireworks seem absolutely ridiculous. I suppose this is the traditional hopeless romantic in me. While I have become a realist and wouldn’t say I believe in love at first sight, I do believe that when I meet someone who is right for me, I will know and won’t prevent myself from falling for him. Some friends ask if I’m really just afraid of commitment and getting hurt again. While I know deep down that I am ready and want to be with someone again, I am in a place where I simply want to be sure that whoever it is that I do give my heart to deserves it. With that said, I want to care for them equally as much as they care for me. I don’t buy into the idea that it’s better to be with someone who loves you more than you love them. Maybe I want too much… I just want nothing less than being mutually crazy about each other.

I think about people who have only been in one or two serious relationships in their lifetime and I can’t help but wonder the anxiety they must feel of not knowing if they’ve dated enough. I think most people would be too afraid to confessing these feelings, but deep down I know that many couples that are high school or college sweethearts do experience this, especially when the time comes to get married. I know this because I’ve been there. I think back to myself when I was 22-years-old, nearly engaged, and while I was happy, I did wonder if I was ready. In hindsight, I can now say that I haven’t found someone better since, and despite all the jerks and bad dates I’ve been through along the way, I still believe that he is out there…somewhere.

❤ J