Seeing the Good in Some Goodbyes.


Goodbyes are never easy, but sometimes, are necessary for your own sanity. Sometimes, goodbyes are only temporary. Until you have time, until you need to make plans, or until you just miss each other. Sometimes, they are a bit more permanent. When you move far away, breakup with someone, or maybe just move on.

My point here is that some goodbyes are much more difficult to say than others. In my past twenty-five years on this earth, I have learned that the hardest goodbyes are the ones that you aren’t sure why you need to say, but you know that if you don’t, you will only keep going in circles. Sometimes, people are just too different to work. Sometimes, you are meant to only be lovers and not friends. And sometimes, things just can never be the same once trust is betrayed. For a while, the unfamiliarity can be seductive and exciting, but at the end of the day, the disconnect in communication styles, morals, and long term goals will only leave you frustrated and in some cases, more broken than when you began.

Usually, you meet these people in a way in which you would never expect to. You go into it with a light heart, never believing you’d feel as much as you end up growing to over time. You tell yourself that you can do casual, that you just want them in your life, and that you enjoy their company. Suddenly, you start getting upset when you don’t hear his voice for a few days, don’t know who he’s with or what he’s up to, and have a mini-breakdown which causes you to baracade yourself into your apartment for the weekend because you find out he is hanging out with another girl, yet again.

For me, the above is what it took for me to realize a goodbye, though painful, is a simple exchange to make for my own sanity. After spending a perfectly good Saturday night polishing off an entire bottle of wine by myself, I peeled myself off the couch, took a good look at my puffy, tear- filled eyes in the mirror, and realized how completely pathetic I was being. I was crying over someone who clearly was not relationship material, so why did I expect those types of behaviors from him? The truth is ladies, you may be the most amazing, vibrant, sweet girl in the world, but when you are paired with someone who is emotionally incapable of committing, offering anything for you, or who simply is a man-whore, even a Victoria Secret model doesn’t stand a chance.

I am not a dumb girl who is okay with casual relationships, sleeping around, disrespect, or lies…so why was I behaving like one who was? This wasn’t always the kind of relationship that we had, but over time and LOTS of drama, it seemed to be the norm for two people who had become so dysfunctional together. Most importantly, I really couldn’t be angry at myself for making this same mistake with him twice, because he’d done it before. It was no longer a mistake I was making, but instead, a choice. I’d allowed this and enabled his behavior…so what reason did I really give him to respect me?

It’s been a bumpy journey over the past few months, but I at least am finally walking away with a few things. First, my self-respect. No matter how much I want to find a good guy, I am not willing to sacrifice my standards. It took a couple of attempted goodbyes to finally get here, but I finally have realized after trying everything with him, nothing is going to make us work together. Second, relief. The relief that I’m describing is that I have not become as guarded or jaded as I sometimes fear. I am relieved that this has taught me that I still do have the ability to really care about another person, even if it was someone who didn’t always deserve it.

Here’s to the hope that 2013 will be a year filled with better decisions, less wasted time, and most importantly, happiness. Life is far too beautiful to walk around being sad or crying over someone who doesn’t appreciate you for the wonderful person that you are.

❤ J

 

 

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Tainted Love.


I am grateful to those who have hurt or harmed me,
For they have reinforced my determination.
I am grateful to those who have deceived me,
For they have deepened my insight.
I am grateful to those who have hit me,
For they have reduced my karmic obstacles.
I am grateful to those who have abandoned me,
For they have taught me to be independent.
I am grateful to those who have made me stumble,
For they have strengthened my ability.
I am grateful to those who have denounced me,
For they have increased my wisdom and concentration.
I am grateful to those who have made me firm and resolute,
And helped in my achievements.

 Tonight at yoga, our instructor shared this Buddhist prayer with our class. The timing was absolutely perfect because I have been struggling lately and have been seeking clarity about some of my choices.

 When someone hurts you, you are supposed to learn from it and move on with your life. You are not supposed to continue putting yourself smack back in the middle of a toxic relationship that is a dead end road. I’ve been going back and forth with someone I was romantically involved with who did something very disrespectful and hurtful to me. Long story short, after I said I wanted to slow down because we were moving too fast, he hopped into bed with someone I once called a friend. For a while, I vowed that I’d never speak to him again and that worked for a little while. He kept coming back again and again, and finally after enough begging on his end, I allowed him back into my life.

After spending a significant amount of time together last week, it became clear that sometimes once a relationship is tainted, it can never be the same. The way you look at each other is never as magical. The kisses you exchange are never quite as meaningful. If you think about it, how many couples do you know who stay together after a betrayal or infidelity poisons the relationship? Not any that I know.

I talk about not settling often, but it is exactly what I’ve been doing lately and I must put an end to it. The truth is, I have been single for a while now and I’ve been in need of attention and entertainment. It’s nice having someone to spend a lazy Sunday with who is there to just watch a movie and cuddle with you, but I know that there is no future for the relationship. I also know that it is inevitable that it is only a matter of time until one of us hurts the other again, and neither of us deserve that.

My decision to keep him around was made out of weakness. If I have learned anything about myself in the past few years, it is that I am no where near being weak, however I’ve been behaving like I am and am basically throwing in the towel on myself. While it hurts to decide to let go and no longer allow him the privilege of being in my life, the pain will only make me stronger. Like all things good things in life, they never come easy and often are some of the hardest decisions we must ever make. In the end though, we are better off because we fight for what deep in our bones we feel to be the right thing.

I am grateful for the time we spent together and have learned a few lessons the hard way.  Now, because I respect myself, my time, and my future, I must say goodbye.

Thank you for reinforcing my determination and deepening my insight.

❤ J

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More like “WTF Cupid!?”


I have never been one for online dating websites for a few reasons.

1. It’s cheesy, but I’m a believer in fate and meeting someone naturally.

2. It feels desperate.

3. The guy could be a crazy serial killer with people kept in his basement. 

4. It is where the “left-overs” of the dating world tend to go. It’s wrong to do, but we begin to wonder what is wrong with them when they are 30+, are still single, and resort to online dating.

5. It is a way that a lot of guys use to try and find cheap hookups. 

This weekend, I agreed to go on a second date from someone I met on OK Cupid. The first time we hung out we had drinks and a fun, casual first meeting…and after some recent drama in my love life I figured another casual hang out couldn’t hurt. The plan: Walk down to Pike Place Market, wander around, and have a late lunch. Sounded like a good Saturday activity to me.

Things started off fine. We caught up on what we’d been up to, exchanged Halloween stories, and plans for Thanksgiving. As we got to Pike Place, we started passing a few restaurants.

“Are you very hungry?” he asked me.

“Yeah,  I mean…I haven’t had lunch yet. Are you?” I asked, a bit puzzled. Um, do you remember when you asked me to meet you for lunch?

“Gotcha. I had a HUGE breakfast, so I’m not hungry. But, if you want something, we can get you something,” he said.

No one wants to eat alone on a date, so I kinda dropped it for a while and we walked around. After getting through the market, he suggested we go somewhere for cocktails. Ok…so you don’t want to feed me, but you DO want to get me drunk? Sounds great!

We went to one of my favorite bars in Post Alley, Zig Zag. Although I was a bit thrown off by his poorly planned date, I had a decent conversation with him. He is young (25…and I really only can date men at least two years older than me) so the conversation was pretty mindless and insignificant, but I wasn’t having an awful time. At the least, I had a delicious Vodka Honey Bear cocktail to enjoy.

It started getting late and we both had plans for later in the evening, so we asked for the check. I got up to go to the rest room and when I returned to our table, I was greeted with a question I have never, EVER been asked before on ANY date, let alone the SECOND.

“So, do you want to split this?” he asked like it was no big deal.

I really wonder what kind of face I made after he asked this crazy question. Is chivalry really that dead? You asked ME on this date. Don’t get me wrong, I am perfectly fine with going dutch after we’ve been seeing each other for a while and we are comfortable. I actually enjoying paying the bill sometimes. It feels good to treat your man, especially when he usually pays and he doesn’t expect it. I even don’t mind if I know that the guy I’m dating is having money problems or makes less than me. I don’t like being asked to do so though, especially when my date works for Microsoft, travels to Europe on a regular basis, and has no financial commitments, like a house. That is just rude.

Just when I thought this ridiculous date was over, he had the audacity to send me a text after dropping me off saying how much fun he had and how gorgeous he thought I looked. Sorry, buddy…but if you are looking for a girl to hook up with on the cheap by attempting to get me drunk by skimping on lunch and then proceeding to make me pay for my own “meal,” you’ve got the wrong girl. They really should call that dating site “WTF Cupid” instead, if you ask me. Needless to say, I deleted my profile and will not be back.

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Losing a Friend to her Boyfriend.


“Stay true to yourself because there are very few people who will always be true to you.”

I saw this quote a while back, but it didn’t  resonate with me as deeply then as it did when I came across it again today. True friends are so hard to find and if you have a few good ones you should consider yourself to be incredibly blessed. A fair-weather friend will spend time with you when its convenient for them, but a real friend will drive out of their way to meet you for drinks when you’ve had a bad day at work. They will answer your call when it’s 1 am and you are hysterical about a fight you got into with a boyfriend. They will help you get rid of clothes you haven’t worn in a decade when preparing to move. They will go to a reality TV show casting call with you, even though it’s just for fun when she’d rather be sitting at home eating mac and cheese while watching TV in her flannel pajamas.Yes, I auditioned for the Bachelor this week. That actually happened, but it was just for research, of course! 🙂

If four months ago you would’ve told me that one of my best friends would no longer be part of my life, I would’ve said you were out of your mind. While the men I meet seem to come and go as freely as the wind these days, my girlfriends, my everything, have thankfully been the one constant that I need in my life the most. In relationships maybe you don’t know someone until you live with them, but in girl world…you don’t know a friend until she has a boyfriend.

I find it more heartbreaking than any situation I’ve been in with a guy in the last year two years that a friend would just drop her life and her “best friends” the second the first guy comes along who doesn’t want to just hook up and send her home. It’s funny how you think you know someone so well, but then one variable in their life changes and they are a completely different person. I think back to a conversation my former best friend and I had several months ago.

“Oh my god…if you get a boyfriend before me please don’t ditch me. I will kill you,” she said.

“Never! I’ve been down that road before, I’ll never be that person ever again,” I replied.

It doesn’t matter how much you talk about being independent, confident, and strong. It is what you do in your everyday life to prove the truth of these statements that really counts. The people you surround yourself with truly are a reflection of who you are. As our priorities and values change, so do the people we spend our time with. I suppose that we grow apart from friends naturally for this very reason from time to time. However, when someone blatantly  makes a choice to end a friendship because their boyfriend doesn’t care for you, it is pretty clear where their loyalties really are. At the end of the day, I’m glad it happened. Settling doesn’t just go for dating, but for friendships as well.  My time is valuable and I only wish to share it with people who are genuine, ambitious, and have integrity. People like me. It hurts me to see someone I love so much making the choices she is. While I don’t support her actions, I understand where they are coming from because far too many women commit the cardinal sin of forsaking their best friends for a guy. I really am just more disappointed than anything else, because I thought she knew better than this at her age.

Ironically, the idea for Taking the Break out of Break up was born when a fellow blogger had dinner with a friend who she hadn’t seen in over a year because she had been in a relationship. What happens to those women when the relationships end? They feel more alone than they’ve ever felt in their life, not because they lost a fabulous relationship…but because they gave up the people they cared about along the way when they never had to in the first place. Just like men, these girls always come back at one point or another. They only can hope their friends are still there to catch their fall when it happens.

❤ J

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We’re Not in Kansas Anymore


All things in life to an extent are ruled by time. Our daily schedules are consumed with alarms, appointments, chores, and obligations. In some areas of our lives we have the ability to be more flexible about certain things than others. Move that hair appointment to next week because something came up? No problem. Jump into a relationship right after ending one? Not so easy.

Recently I met someone who is truly a wonderful person. He is kind, friendly, and as far as I can tell thus far the epitome of a gentleman. Southern hospitality is not a myth, Washintonian’s! 🙂 He just moved here all the way from Kansas and has tons of friends already because he is outgoing and incredibly social.

We met at my favorite bar about a month ago and exchanged phone numbers but I never heard from him. About two weeks ago, he friend requested me on Facebook and low and behold, he was in a relationship with a girl back home. He invited me to come play volleyball with a group of his friends, but I decided not to go. Yes, men and women can be just friends. However, when you are obviously attracted to one another…it’s a bad idea. In a matter of a few days, I noticed he changed his relationship status to “single.” I hate to admit that I got really excited when I saw it.He text me later that week inviting me to a house warming party at his place. Since he was now on the market, I figured it was a safe situation and went with a few of my girlfriends…and here we are.

This weekend, we had the talk. Normally, it is dating taboo to ask anything along the lines of “what are you looking for?” or “where is this going?,” however in the circumstances where the situation presents itself, you have to take full advantage. After a conversation about women approaching men at bars, I’d filled him in on my dating style of being old fashioned and being pursued by men rather than chasing them, I received a reaction different than what I’d expected.

“Man…every time I hang out with you I like you more and more,”he said, with a sigh.

“Is that a bad thing?” I asked.

Turns out…for him it may be. The girl he recently split from was the first girl he ever loved. He moved out here because he wanted to live in a different city and go somewhere new. I don’t know many details of their relationship, but I can’t help but wonder why it ended. In my mind, if you love someone you would live even in Antarctica to be together. My sister is in the process of relocating to Alabama and in the back of her mind knows that if her boyfriend doesn’t offer coming with her, he doesn’t value their relationship enough to make it last.

Maybe he wanted out of the relationship, maybe she didn’t want to go with him, there are a lot of possible situations. What matters is that now I have this man in front of me that is sweet, easy-going, and real, expressing that he’s very interested, but that he wishes he met me at a different time. I feel like the universe has been messing with my life far too often in the last year. Literally every guy I meet of substance has just broken up with someone. Is it because the man to woman ratio of eligible bachelor’s is that skewed? Or do I just attract commitment-phobes? Is timing really that important when it comes to dating? Personally, I think if you had “normal break-up circumstances (whatever that is),” when you meet the right person, nothing else matters. Clearly when you are 26-years-old, attractive, and new to this side of the country, you probably don’t want to be tied down. However, as people by nature we crave companionship. Is the “I just got out of a relationship” pitch nothing but an excuse to be a man whore?

Bottom line is that everyone has to deal with things on their own terms and you absolutely need time just for yourself when coming out of a relationship. Our paths are likely continuing to cross as we are somewhat in the same social circle, I am going to do my best to keep it casual, light, and just go with the flow. It is never awkward when I see him because we both are so talkative and outgoing. It is almost more awkward for our friends I think because it is so obvious how into each other we are. One thing is for sure though with this one, we are NOT in Kansas anymore…

❤ J

 

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When One Door Closes, Another One Opens.


Hello, blog world!

It’s been a busy week. I have a few quick things I want to touch on about what’s been going on with me.

1. I started a new job that I think I am actually really going to enjoy. While it isn’t my dream job (which would include working for myself as a freelance writer and actually being paid for it…obviously :)), it is a position that does allow me to use a variety of my skills and earn a decent living. It is an IT Recruiting position for an Boutique Recruiting firm in down town Seattle. It’s a small company, but I have a lot of flexibility in my schedule, have the ability to work from home when needed, and have the opportunity to learn the industry from the ground up with people who have been in the business for over 15 years. I’m excited to be working again and making myself feel useful again. I loved having time off, but with all the running, baking, and daytime television I watched…I decided that I could never be a housewife (that is unless I had kids, but that is way too far down the road to even think about)!

2. I broke things off with Philly. The situation actually seemed to work itself out without me having to put myself in too awkward of a position. After putting a lot of thought into the “break-up,” I came to the conclusion that a mutual fade out would be the ideal situation. After all, if I was that uninterested in him, he couldn’t have possibly been smitten over me…could he? Anyway, I’d invited him to a Memorial Day weekend BBQ with my closest friends who insisted that I needed to introduce him to them because I needed a second opinion before kicking him to the curb. The big BBQ day came around and apparently he had friends in from out of town, forgot about the BBQ, and realized that he had double booked. When he said he felt like a jerk about the entire thing, I never responded to his text messages. I thought it was my easy out. Two days later he sent me a strange, vague message which read:

“Didn’t wanna make it worse.”

To me, this doesn’t logically OR grammatically make sense. I could’ve just ignored it, but I wanted to keep things classy. I simply responded with the following:

“Hey…No worries about the BBQ the other day! Keep in touch and maybe I’ll see you around sometime.”

He tried to act like what I said was fine, yet then continued to ask me how my first day at the new job was and ask more questions. Maybe he just didn’t want me to have the last word. Either way, II just didn’t reply. There is no point in carrying on a conversation via text message with someone I no longer have romantic interest in after being pretty clear that I don’t want to see him anymore. Maybe that’s a bitch move, but it takes enough time and energy communicating with the men I am interested in. I did my part by expressing to him that he’d been someone nice getting to know, but casually insinuating that I didn’t have any romantic interest in him without bruising his ego too terribly. Besides, the more energy you continue putting into people who aren’t bettering your life, the less energy you have for the ones that make you happier, make you strive to be your best self, and leave a footprint on your life and heart.

I hate to keep this post so short, but once again I have a big girl job to get up for in the morning…so I better go catch some Z’s!

❤ J

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How to Break Up with Someone You’re Not “In a Relationship” With Yet


We’ve all been there. You meet someone, you are attracted to them, and you start hanging out. Then after a few dates, the chemistry just isn’t there. Let’s be real here, if you would rather watch the Bachelorette than make out…you’re just not that into him. The beginning should be the most exciting time in a new relationship, and if it isn’t…it needs to end. Rather than going through the motions and continuing down the road to couple-town, it is definitely in the best interest of both parties to cut ties sooner rather than later. It saves everyone time and minimizes hurt feelings, but it is never easy to break up with someone…especially when you aren’t even in a “real” relationship yet.

I’ve never actually had to do this before with an “almost-boyfriend” and as I am preparing to “break-up” with Philly, I have many potential scenarios going through my mind. What is the best way to do this anyway? If this was going to happen to me, what would I prefer to hear? Do you do it over a text message? In person? On the phone?The truth hurts, yet it is important to be honest and up front about things. Burning bridges is also something I want to avoid at all costs. You never know when you may run into someone at a bar or end up being reconnected in some odd way. The world is small, but Seattle is even smaller.

I’ve come up with a list of potential “lines”  and scenarios for handling this one. Those of you who have tested any of these out, feel free to chime in and let me know how it worked out on your end in the past.

1. Stop initiating conversation and ignore his text messages, phone calls, and attempts to hang out. Eventually he’ll get the picture. Or end up being crazy and show up at my building unannounced. So…probably scratch this one off the list.
2.  “I have a lot going on right now and it’s really not the best time for me to get involved with someone.” I am starting a new job on Monday…so technically it’s not a lie.
3. “I’m just not sexually attracted to you. But maybe we can be friends, you’re an awesome person!”
4. “You clearly aren’t over your ex. She’s still in ALL your profile pictures. I don’t think you’re ready to date.” Takes the blame off of me not liking him, right?
5. “I met someone else and it’s getting semi-serious.” HA…I wish.
6. “Honestly… I just don’t feel chemistry with you. It’s nothing personal, but I think it’d be best if we stop seeing each other.”  The truth. It doesn’t sound nice, but it’s honest.

Wish me luck.

❤ J

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