Goodbyes are never easy, but sometimes, are necessary for your own sanity. Sometimes, goodbyes are only temporary. Until you have time, until you need to make plans, or until you just miss each other. Sometimes, they are a bit more permanent. When you move far away, breakup with someone, or maybe just move on.
My point here is that some goodbyes are much more difficult to say than others. In my past twenty-five years on this earth, I have learned that the hardest goodbyes are the ones that you aren’t sure why you need to say, but you know that if you don’t, you will only keep going in circles. Sometimes, people are just too different to work. Sometimes, you are meant to only be lovers and not friends. And sometimes, things just can never be the same once trust is betrayed. For a while, the unfamiliarity can be seductive and exciting, but at the end of the day, the disconnect in communication styles, morals, and long term goals will only leave you frustrated and in some cases, more broken than when you began.
Usually, you meet these people in a way in which you would never expect to. You go into it with a light heart, never believing you’d feel as much as you end up growing to over time. You tell yourself that you can do casual, that you just want them in your life, and that you enjoy their company. Suddenly, you start getting upset when you don’t hear his voice for a few days, don’t know who he’s with or what he’s up to, and have a mini-breakdown which causes you to baracade yourself into your apartment for the weekend because you find out he is hanging out with another girl, yet again.
For me, the above is what it took for me to realize a goodbye, though painful, is a simple exchange to make for my own sanity. After spending a perfectly good Saturday night polishing off an entire bottle of wine by myself, I peeled myself off the couch, took a good look at my puffy, tear- filled eyes in the mirror, and realized how completely pathetic I was being. I was crying over someone who clearly was not relationship material, so why did I expect those types of behaviors from him? The truth is ladies, you may be the most amazing, vibrant, sweet girl in the world, but when you are paired with someone who is emotionally incapable of committing, offering anything for you, or who simply is a man-whore, even a Victoria Secret model doesn’t stand a chance.
I am not a dumb girl who is okay with casual relationships, sleeping around, disrespect, or lies…so why was I behaving like one who was? This wasn’t always the kind of relationship that we had, but over time and LOTS of drama, it seemed to be the norm for two people who had become so dysfunctional together. Most importantly, I really couldn’t be angry at myself for making this same mistake with him twice, because he’d done it before. It was no longer a mistake I was making, but instead, a choice. I’d allowed this and enabled his behavior…so what reason did I really give him to respect me?
It’s been a bumpy journey over the past few months, but I at least am finally walking away with a few things. First, my self-respect. No matter how much I want to find a good guy, I am not willing to sacrifice my standards. It took a couple of attempted goodbyes to finally get here, but I finally have realized after trying everything with him, nothing is going to make us work together. Second, relief. The relief that I’m describing is that I have not become as guarded or jaded as I sometimes fear. I am relieved that this has taught me that I still do have the ability to really care about another person, even if it was someone who didn’t always deserve it.
Here’s to the hope that 2013 will be a year filled with better decisions, less wasted time, and most importantly, happiness. Life is far too beautiful to walk around being sad or crying over someone who doesn’t appreciate you for the wonderful person that you are.