Tainted Love.


I am grateful to those who have hurt or harmed me,
For they have reinforced my determination.
I am grateful to those who have deceived me,
For they have deepened my insight.
I am grateful to those who have hit me,
For they have reduced my karmic obstacles.
I am grateful to those who have abandoned me,
For they have taught me to be independent.
I am grateful to those who have made me stumble,
For they have strengthened my ability.
I am grateful to those who have denounced me,
For they have increased my wisdom and concentration.
I am grateful to those who have made me firm and resolute,
And helped in my achievements.

 Tonight at yoga, our instructor shared this Buddhist prayer with our class. The timing was absolutely perfect because I have been struggling lately and have been seeking clarity about some of my choices.

 When someone hurts you, you are supposed to learn from it and move on with your life. You are not supposed to continue putting yourself smack back in the middle of a toxic relationship that is a dead end road. I’ve been going back and forth with someone I was romantically involved with who did something very disrespectful and hurtful to me. Long story short, after I said I wanted to slow down because we were moving too fast, he hopped into bed with someone I once called a friend. For a while, I vowed that I’d never speak to him again and that worked for a little while. He kept coming back again and again, and finally after enough begging on his end, I allowed him back into my life.

After spending a significant amount of time together last week, it became clear that sometimes once a relationship is tainted, it can never be the same. The way you look at each other is never as magical. The kisses you exchange are never quite as meaningful. If you think about it, how many couples do you know who stay together after a betrayal or infidelity poisons the relationship? Not any that I know.

I talk about not settling often, but it is exactly what I’ve been doing lately and I must put an end to it. The truth is, I have been single for a while now and I’ve been in need of attention and entertainment. It’s nice having someone to spend a lazy Sunday with who is there to just watch a movie and cuddle with you, but I know that there is no future for the relationship. I also know that it is inevitable that it is only a matter of time until one of us hurts the other again, and neither of us deserve that.

My decision to keep him around was made out of weakness. If I have learned anything about myself in the past few years, it is that I am no where near being weak, however I’ve been behaving like I am and am basically throwing in the towel on myself. While it hurts to decide to let go and no longer allow him the privilege of being in my life, the pain will only make me stronger. Like all things good things in life, they never come easy and often are some of the hardest decisions we must ever make. In the end though, we are better off because we fight for what deep in our bones we feel to be the right thing.

I am grateful for the time we spent together and have learned a few lessons the hard way.  Now, because I respect myself, my time, and my future, I must say goodbye.

Thank you for reinforcing my determination and deepening my insight.

❤ J

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